لطیفه های انگلیسی برای درک متن زبان خارجی عمومی
Mr. Johnson was a rich man. He lived in a beautiful house in the country with lots of servants, but his wife was dead, and he did not have any children.
Then he died suddenly, and people said, "His servants killed him, because they wanted his money."
But the servants said,"No, he killed himself."
The police came and asked the servants a lot of questions, and after a few weeks, there was a big trial. There were too famous lawyers and several important witnesses.
"Tell me," one of the lawyers said to a witness one day, "did Mr. Johnson often talked to himself when he was alone?"
"I don't know," the witness answered at once.
"You don't know?" the lawyer repeated angrily. "You don't know? But you where his best friend, weren't you? Why don't you know?"
"Because I was never with him when he was alone," the witness answered.
Where Am I?
Nath lived in a small town in England. He always stayed in England for his holidays, but then last year he thought, "I've never been outside this country. All my friends go to Spain, and they like it very much, so this year I'm going to go there too."
First he went to Madrid and stayed in a small hotel for a few days. On the first morning he went out for a walk. In England people drive on the left, but in Spain they drive on the right. Nat forgot about this, and while he was crossing a busy street, a bicycle knocked him down.
Nath lay on the ground for a few seconds and then he sat up and said,"Where am I?"
An old man was selling maps at the side of the street, and he at once came to Nat and said, "Maps of the city, sir?"
Sammy and Anny
Mrs. Peters had two children. Sammy was seven years old, and his sister Anny was four. Sammy went to school, but Anny did not. When Sammy was at home, he often played with Anny while their mother was cooking or washing or cleaning and he was usually very nice to his small sister, and Mrs. Peters was free to do her work quietly.
One Saturday morning, the two children were playing in the garden while their mother was cooking the launch. They were quite happy until Anny suddenly began to cry and ran into the kitchen to her mother.
Mrs. Peters stop cooking and said, "Why are you crying any?"
Sammy 's broken my toy horse," she answered, crying more loudly.
"How did he break it?" her mother asked
Anny stop crying, but did not answer for a few seconds. And then she said, "I hit him on the head with it."
A long time ago, when airplanes were not very big or strong yet, all passengers had to be weighed with their luggage, so that planes did not have to carry more than it was safe to carry. Then later, when airplanes became bigger and stronger, only the luggage had to be weighed; and now very often, the luggage has to be measured instead of being weighed, because size is more important to the airlines than weight. Airplanes are so big and strong now, that they can carry almost any weight.
But before a passenger can travel by Hawaiian airlines, he or she still has to be weighed. Once when one fat man was asked by the airlines' clerk how much he weighed, he thought for a few seconds and then said to her: "With or without my clothes?"
"Well, sir," the girl answered, "how are you planning to travel?"
During the Second World War it was difficult to travel by plane, because the seats were needed for important government and army people.
Mr. Brown worked for the government during the war. He was a civilian, and he was doing very secret work, so nobody was allowed to know how important he was except a very few people.
One day he had to fly to Edinburgh to give a lecture to a few top people there, but an important officer came to the airport at the last minute, and Mr. Brown's seat was given to him, so he was not able to fly to the city to give his lecture.
It was not until he reached the city that the important officer discovered that the man whose seat he had taken was the one whose lecture he had flown to the city to hear.
Helen lived with her sister married. Both of them where about seventy five years old, and neither of them had ever married. They had a small, old car, and when they wanted to go somewhere, which they did very rarely, Mary always drove, because her eyes were better.
One weekend they drove to a large town to look at some things which they had read about in the newspaper. Neither of them had been to that town before.
They were driving along in a lot of traffic when they turned right into a street which cars were not allowed to go into. There was a policeman there, and he blew his whistle, but Mary did not stop, so he got on to his motorcycle and follow them.
After he had ordered them to stop, he said,"Didn't you hear me blow my whistle?
"Yes. we did," admitted Mary politely, "but Mummy told us never to stop when men whistle at us."
Jim was intelligent, but he hated hard work. He said, "You work hard, and earn a lot of money, and then the government takes most of it. I want easy work that gives me lots of money and that the government doesn't know about.
So we became a thief, but he did not do the stealing: he got others to do it. They were much less intelligent than he was, so he arranged everything and told them what to do.
One day they were looking for rich families to rob, and Jim sent one of them to a large beautiful house just outside the town.
It was evening, and when the man looked through one of the windows, he saw a young man and a girl playing a duet on a piano.
When he went back to Jim, he said, "That family can't have much money. Two people were playing on the same piano there."
Henry was from the United States and he had come to London for a holiday.
One day he was not feeling well, so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said, "I want to see a doctor. Can you give me the name of a good one?"
The clerk looked in a book and then said, "Dr. Kenneth Gray 61 01 0."
Henry said, "Thank you very much. Is he expensive?"
"Well," the clerk answered, "he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him and one and a half pound for later visits.
Henry decided to save a half pound so when he went to see the doctor, he said, "I'm coming again, doctor."
For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything. Then he nodded and said, "Oh, yes." He examined him and then said, "Everything is going as it should do. Just continue with the medicine I gave you last time."